Street photos...

1.19.2010

Cutting you loose

I have to do this; I must say what I need to say, even if you never read it. Our relationship was always on your terms and I had no say in how it progressed. Even though many times you professed your love, if there was too much happening in your life to be able to deal with me, you simply stopped communicating. I spent much of our three year relationship missing someone I have never met.

I was always there for you, wanting to help if I could, though there was the physical distance between us. Several times it seemed we were about to close that gap, and a crisis always managed to appear to prevent it. I know things could be overwhelming at times, but that was why you should have let me closer, not push me away. I loved you regardless of your circumstances, but you seemed unable to accept my unconditional love. You have a lot of pride in that respect, you see it as a weakness to need anyone.

Several times we broke up, always because you thought we should. A couple of times I tried to have other relationships, and then you would reappear, again saying I was the only one. Twice I have ended relationships, hurting someone in your name, because I though you were what I really wanted, and this time we would find a way to be together.

It was a shitty thing to do to those women, and I will always be ashamed of myself for doing it. I could ask their forgiveness, but am too embarassed to do so, and I would likely feel just as bad. It was a mistake to give you that power over me, and it is now time to curtail that power.

We loved each other and thought it was forever. I think I can confidently say it isn't going to work out. I have little pangs in my heart whenever I see traces of you. I saw that you connected recently with one of your old JS buddies in Florida on IM. That's nice. You haven't spoken to me through any available channels in six months.

At this point you could say that I haven't contacted you, and that is mostly true. I saw you on IM twice, I said hello, and you logged out. I called your house, you didn't pick up, and I don't remember if I left a message. From past experiences I knew that chasing you down was going to get me either 1)nowhere or 2)a serious smackdown. So I let it go.

Maybe somewhere out there is a woman who not only would love me, but allow me to love her back and let me take care of her as well as she might take care of me.

My life is three years shorter now than it was when I met you online. I will always love you a little bit, and I will always think of you, but...

Goodbye.

2 comments:

  1. I'm glad that you're able to move on now. Obviously, she was blocking the path to having a good relationship. Lots of *hugs* Doug!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you, Kate! *hugs* back

    ReplyDelete

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